so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
