Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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