I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We left an ass print on the piano.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
