I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
