im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize
