You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
