I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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