hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
