Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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