i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
