Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
