I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
