She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
