call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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