What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
