Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
