Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
