in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
