After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
