I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
