Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
