I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
