she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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