I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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