You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
