Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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