Already got asked if we're dating
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
