I'm eating all of the evidence.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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