I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
