I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
