I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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