There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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