i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
