While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
