She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
