You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
