There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
