highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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