you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
