We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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