my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
