he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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