I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
