we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
