Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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