no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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