Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
