Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
