Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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