Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize