dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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